Just another day that didn’t go my way

First of all the title is a lie I really actually had a great day. My cousin came and stayed with me after my procedure yesterday and she’s here still she’s cooking or doing art or hanging out I don’t feel horrible at least not like I thought I would. But the big medical thingy bobber that’s going to happen is I don’t know when but that’s the one that’s going to hurt I’m a little scared of it but you know what I would like to live today last year a year and a half ago but I didn’t really care if I lived or died but today I want to live and not just because I have a deadly disease but I want to live because I never have I’ve survived I’ve endured I’ve gone with the flow you know you name it I’ve done it but living that’s when I haven’t done I’ve never been adventurous in a positive way only destructive in a self-loathing way which others had perceived like me being adventurous but I wasn’t it was it was like I know how to die cuz I tried to do it everyday for 20 years I just and I guess it just didn’t try hard enough but the reality is I know how to die I just don’t know how to live and so every day is a new experience and every day is a new opportunity to learn a new living skill and so today it just so happens to be writing on my blog and starting it off of the LIE oh my gosh I don’t lie without telling on myself so everything else I write you’ll know if I’m like not telling the truth because I’ll tell you that was a lie and unless I don’t know that it’s lie and that rarely happens cuz I was really notorious and good at it so I usually know when I’m lying not not everybody else does but I do and so I try really hard now that my life is changed and I’m much different person than I was to stay that way by not repeating things from my past that were destructive or hurtful to others or to myself and I try to do at least one good deed for every day sometimes I get a chance to do more which is great but usually one is enough I crack myself up and I really do crack myself up you don’t have her have to laugh at my jokes because I will and I’ll tell the same ones over and over again and I’ll laugh every time and truly I will not be offended if you don’t because just know I’m sitting here blogging and I am cracking myself up in a room all by myself because I’m so funny so anyways that’s all I really have to write for now but I’m working on Palm and I probably post it later I think I really screwed my site up last night cuz I was trying to get the front page to be the front page and the back page would be you know the pages to go in sequence and I moved some pictures around I don’t know I I’m sure it looks kind of stupid but I don’t care it’ll get straightened out and if you think it looks dumb you’re right because it probably does so just remember I can crack at myself up and if I could see it from the way you see it then I know even looking at it as a reader I can’t tell if it’s screwed up but definitely doesn’t look like it looked before I started messing with it so hopefully I’ll figure it out okay that’s it I’m done when I finish my poem I will post it in the meantime I hope you all have a wonderful evening and crack each other up make somebody smile do something nice I don’t know have a good night

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