Hybrid Style Art by Isteb

When I’m thinking out loud which is often because actually I talk to myself all the time constantly, in fact….. right now, I’m even blogging voice to text and I’m not really paying attention to punctuating or anything. I’m just talking and thinking about the weirdest things and oftentimes those weird things end up on my blog. For today I’m thinking you know everything is going to be okay until it’s not, and nothing’s okay until it is.. Nobody seems to like change but it’s the only constant in life. We’re all going to die, yet i grieve over loss and mourn for ever it feels like. I don’t know, I just think that I’m a very confused person, because I know those are the truths in the world and yet i participate in trying to deny them and pretend that I didn’t know this or that was going to happen or was headed my way when I absolutely had all the signs right in front of my face every time but chose to ignore it. I’m still grieving my dad dying in 2015 mom 2020, my kid and grandson, my son …. I mean come on this is crazy ! I’m grieving you know stuff from when I was 4 years old, and right now I’m I just keep telling myself what a weirdo I’m a weirdo so what I’m a geek I’m a nerd and I’m a weirdo but I’m also pretty cool and smart and I understand the concept and the reality of the statement “what is, is.” and “what isn’t, isn’t”. I also understand the concept of I’m the only one that can make what is into it isn’t if I want to or what isn’t into an is if I want to. We came into this world and were the most vulnerable feces on the planet yet we thrived and we all know one day we have to leave this world to. So why do I spend so much time dwelling on death when I could be practicing on actually living? A lot of you know that I’m sick and I’ve been sick for a while and may or may not stick around long, but what does that mean? What? At the end of the day or life I should say the and of our Lives here on this planet only thing anybody’s going to really remember is that we or I were here, and now we are not. They may have little fond memories or hateful memories or whatever but the bottom line is what did we did or didn’t do withour life. Who we cherished or who we didn’t, what took precedence in our lives over potential uncultivated relationships and human connection. Didn’t we smell roses did we add to the world or take away from it even the dash doesn’t tell people that so really this entire Journey isn’t for any of the reasons I used to think it was for. And I’ll let you figure out what your reality and journey is all about because I’m not telling you mine I am telling you that I do finally understand and know what my Dash is about even though no one else on the planet ever will is that whether I stay or whether I go what is is what isn’t isn’t and what will be will be I just have to decide on the path I am want to walk on now because I know where the few that are available lead. Yep she told you I’m a weirdo I don’t even know if that made sense makes sense to me but I don’t know if it does to you and that’s okay cuz I’m in the bathtub with an electric apparatus right next to me and I’m a clumsy person and I’m multitasking so obviously I’m nuts. I am excited to explore which path I’m going to take which journey I destination I’d like to find myself in. Not right now, I’m pretty happy I got an awesome husband brother home great dog couple of family members still alive two friends I’m doing all right outside of you know the being sick part and the stuff that comes along with that. But I will have to make a choice at some point in the not too far off future on which way it’s going to go but I can tell you today I don’t feel like dying I I want to live so today I’m living I mean I’m not kidding I am really having painful physically but emotionally I’m having a good day and I feel very connected to God and I like my bathtub when my tubes behave and don’t try to jump in there with me. Oh yeah I got a couple of tubes one of my stomach one of my intestine is actually pretty gross but again you know nobody likes change but it is the only thing that’s constant and so what is his but I’m pretty sure these things are coming out one day so what is is will be the is until it isn’t and then what was will be the what was in The New Normal will be the what will be oh yeah I don’t even know that made sense I actually don’t even care and I’m not even going to change it I’m cracking myself up okay my water got cold so the end for today or for this minute LOL